Planning trip in March

I'm really excited. The tickets I found aren't too expensive. I just have to find out how much the spring getaway is going to cost me. I'm going to be gone for about two weeks. It's much needed and way overdue.

Can't wait to get all my ducks in a row. It's time to go.

more signs -- t.v. shows and people bringing up Mexico

More signs. It looks like it will happen in the next six months, maybe even end of this year or by March 2010.

I've had images that I'm going to be traveling. Later this year. I need to get the hell out of the situation I've put myself in. I only have myself to blame. No more looking to love to conquer and solve all.

Need to move on. Desperately. And usually that means making bad decisions. So I tread carefully and look for a gig. Yes, an office gig. I have no other avenues at this point and I've treaded water far too long.

Something has got to give and hopefully it won't be me.

Halloween approaches....along with Day of the Dead

It's officially a year since I took off for Mexico. I remember how nervous I was, travelling.

It was a long flight but I managed to rest a bit. I remember what I had been told: that I would regret not going on this trip if I stayed behind to go back to work. "When you are on your deathbed, will you remember what job you were at or will you remember this trip? What do you think will come to mind?"

That sort of sealed the deal for me. And I'm so glad I did. Less than two months later I would leave that job but have the memories of Mexico forever ingrained in me. I do not regret going. I do not regret realizing I have but one life to live, and no job is worth my unhappiness.

I continue forward, remembering, caring, but always vigilant and observant.

Wow, so much has changed from March til now

It's almost the end of the year, 2008. So much time has gone by. And things have changed.

While I'm still pursuing my photography and creative stuff, things had slowed down. I realized I needed to get my website redone and talked to a few people, people who actually make websites for a living, you know, professionals, and decided that this do-it-yourself thing can only take me so far. If I want it nice and easy on the eyes, professional and dynamic, I'm going to have to take it to the pros. So as of October 31 my little teeny site will be closed. I put an underconstruction sign on the welcome page on the current site before it closes and alerted those on my networking sites what's going on, so things should be OK.

The photog assist gig was not as informative as I thought it would be. Yes, it did keep me in thoughts of my photography but not in the way I thought it might. If anything, it showed me that photography is more of a dying art form. What do I mean by that? Simply that seeing that most stuff is retouched or blinged up in some way. Maybe I was being a tad naive, sure. But I was also expecting art to just be...art. To form, with a happy coincidence that everything is in its place, and the composition is just right and things just 'happen'.

I've read and experienced a lot of good memorable photos have happened that way. So I know it's not entirely false. Yet...I've also seen a lot of cleanups and tweaks done to photos simply because the subject wasn't really all that dynamic or interesting in the first place. So there's still that smoke and mirrors aspect to it.

All I learned was how to lug camera equipment, getting to a gig with little sleep and being able to put equipment together and dismantle when it was time to go home. I would get a bit concerned hearing about how the photographer's equipment got messed up by someone, and I did not want to be a part of that mix although I was assured that I was pretty meticulous and not to worry. I found myself running on errands and picking up coffee and almost losing my phone to a skeevy building doorman which really pissed me off.

I just decided I had enough with just barely doing some photo retouching. I hadn't really learned much about lighting, about setup. It was basically the same gig, holding up reflectors, setting up equipment and then breaking it down. There was no learning process and I didn't really learn anything substantial to make me marketable for a real paying photog gig.

I got a photo cred for some shots that made the cover of some trade magazines but overall, I wasn't sure what to make of it. Also what turned me off was the sudden interest and aggressiveness of the photographer's secretary, who decided to bombard me with calls as to when I'd be available when the agreement we had had (very informal but hammered out in a prior earlier conversation) seemed to fall on deaf ears. I could not guarantee until 24 hours beforehand whether I could make a gig or not as I was working on other creative pursuits, especially those that happened to pay.

So as the summer wound down, I had a conversation with the photographer that I'd be looking for steadier work for pay come the fall and would not be available. Suddenly the calls kicked in more urgently from the eager assistant wanting to know weeks in advance my availability.

After politely advising the assistant of the former casual agreement, and getting nowhere, I figured it was time to move on. The last call from the eager beaver took place in early September and I gave notice I wasn't available and the calls stopped.

It will mark a year anniversary since I'd gone to Mexico. I have to say I miss it. I see shows on it from time to time and people who are close to me make references to it. The job and money situation has been low opportunity. I've decided, rather hesitantly, to go back into the office market and see how that goes. I've had two interviews with actual companies and it didn't click. One I think actually was just being polite for the agency that sent me. I wasn't too sure what to think but I knew the prior assistant had problems there and they considered her having an attitude problem. Which was interesting considering how she had to look and keep her ear to the ground to find out what the boss wanted and liked as he was not normally around to tell her.

I'm not keen on going back to the office life. I do realize it can pay the bills. I do realize I could find my own place and have my own space again. I realize time is ticking and I want to travel and do things, more creative things that ironically, do not pull the same kind of funds on a regular basis as an office job does.

I do keep in mind that security and creativity often does not go hand in hand but for the very few who are lucky to make it happen. This is a learning experience, this life of mine. A journey. I continue on my way and hope for the best. I know difficult times will soon pass and good things will occur for me. I just have to stay strong and focused.

In the meantime, I do little projects that I can cross off my list for practice, to show I can start and finish something. It's very exhilirating and satisfying.

Here's a pic from my trip to Mexico, visiting gravesites...Happy Halloween and Dia de los Muertos to you all.

Found a job working as a photographer's assistant

And I'm looking forward to it. I will do two days a week, just to get some experience and learn things from the ground-up, so to speak. It's something to learn and do while I figure out what my next job move is going to be. I wonder if this person is connected to anything, but it's commercial work, and it's a place to start. It's not the arty-farty branch, which is where it's hit or miss to make money let alone get notoriety.

But it's a step in the right direction. Something to keep the mind going and focus.

Fragmented thoughts, disjointed ideas...what to do next?

Although it's been only a few months, I am totally missing Mexico. There is absolutely nowhere else I'd rather be right now. I ask myself if maybe I just miss that I had some extra cash that helped to make the trip more memorable. There was much to do and I had a schedule and went exploring and took tons of pictures. However, the gypsy in me is calling that it's time to figure out how to get out of here and go back. Taking a day job is unsavory to me. I simply don't have the damned energy to deal with other dysfunctional miserable bastids who have nothing else better to do than be suspicious and make one's life miserable long with them.

I've gone to agencies, checked out ads, and left with a bad taste in my mouth that only reconfirmed by belief that these so called representatives of hiring managers are just as full of b.s. as always. But I was not born with a silver spoon in my mouth and will have to come up with a way to make money while still be able to keep my head held high. How can one pursue their dreams with no money coming in? I may be overlooking the obvious here. I look at my pictures - how can I get them seen and sold? Is just having an online site enough? How can I generate excitement and traffic to the site for the pictures? Am I doing enough? How can I do enough without having art world contacts? Am I just fooling myself, am I even talented enough let alone lucky enough to get noticed? How can I make money off these pictures, off my talent? Will someone with money agree and pay for some pictures of mine? How do I feel about that? Where do I start?

My stomach is in a lurch. Probably agreeing with me. The sun is coming out and the snow is melting. I will have to figure something out and fast. I am not happy and feeling stuck which is not good for me.